Tis the season for giving...

I have learned to keep expectations low.  Maybe, for some of you that seems like a cop out.  For me it is a survival mechanism.  Much like my comfy bed and security bound comforter...low expectations make it possible for me to survive.  Everyday brings with it really only 3 expectations.

#1 Shower.

#2 Don't kill self.

#3 Don't harm children.

Usually I only make #'s 2 and 3.  But with medication and severe ridicule from family members and friends I am bound to make all 3 at least 5 out of 7 days of the week.  Jon refers to these achievements as baby steps.  Much like his asking me to "please clear the laundry from off of the kitchen table" earlier this week was met not with it being folded but instead shuttled into our eldest daughter (who happens to be visiting her father for the Christmas holiday) bedroom.

Ummm...I put this in the win column because he left in the morning and there was clothing in the kitchen and he came home in the evening and there was....ta da....no clothing in the kitchen.  Apparently I lapsed on the part where he actually expected the clothing to get folded and ready to be put away by it's rightful owners.  Whoopsie!

As much as I give Jon a hard time for his past indiscretions I cannot seem to properly put into words how it is that he manages to stay so calm with such a deeply depressed spouse.  He leaves and I'm asleep.  He comes home and I'm asleep.

He'll poke a head in the bedroom from time to time and asks if I've eaten.  Asks if I need anything.  Asks if I want to talk.  He says that since I've tried to stand by him in his short coming's and the fact that one day he is COMPLETELY certain that I am going to have to care for him and wipe his ass (what an impressive and heartwarming picture to create in one's mind)...he says that because of this and his love for me he just keeps pushing along.

The kids try to wrap their minds around it all and even though I know they would give just about anything (well except their cell phones, computer, Nintendo DS, time with friends and possibly cable) to have their mom up and participating in the daily goings on of their life.  I live for the little moments that the clouds of depression clears and I get a glimpse of what our life used to be like all of the time.


Today and tonight was one of those glimpses into how our life used to be everyday.  Of course it wasn't a continual stream of feeling okay.  It never really is anymore.  I'll get moments when I am okay and then moments when I have to tuck away into the bedroom because the anxiety becomes so high that it literally feels as though it will grate apart my head.  Jon has learned the signs and takes over parenting if I am in the middle of doing something with the kids.

But for the most part....today was a good day.  One that defied low expectations but was made even sweeter because I really had no expectation of it at all.

I wrapped gifts and Jon cleaned.  Yes...ladies...my husband cleans.  Why I bitch?  Who the hell knows.

Later we cooked dinner together.  Some gorgeous pork tenderloin that I had been marinating with BBQ sauce, orange juice, honey and seasonings.  It's super good and makes the juiciest meat!  While Jon grilled I made both mashed potatos for dinner and potato soup for whenever.  It was the normal rhythm of a house and it felt both foreign and comfortable in the same moment.

Feeling the opportunity to keep things light and make me laugh Jon took a hair piece that we had purchased to pretty much torture Penny with and while I diced onions and got ingredients for dinner he waited for the absolute opportune second to catch me off guard and scare the piss out of me.

I was in the fridge getting butter and just as I was about the close the door I heard him scream out, "oh my god...noooo"...I peeked up just in time to see something dark and furry flying at my head.  I screamed like a little school girl.  Threw down the butter that was in my hand and flew across the kitchen while batting my aledged assailant to the ground.

Turns out the "attacker" was none other than the fake hair piece and the next sound I heard was the cackling of Jon and Hannah as they celebrated the fact that their little prank had gotten me so good.  All I could do was accept defeat and make my way to the bathroom because as with any good joke at my expense...I now had to pee.  Thankfully I didn't pee in my pants...but it was a close one...a very, very...VERY close one.

After dinner was done and cleaned up we preheated the oven for the ceremonial making of the Christmas cookies.  That was going to be all Jon and Hannah because once again the anxiousness was taking hold and it was time to excuse myself for a cooling off period.  This consist of going to the bedroom and usually sitting in the quiet.  Sometimes I have to actually go and take a shower to take my mind off the anxious thoughts.  I used to go and run or walk when I became anxious but found that it actually prolonged the anxiety.  Sucky find because for a while there it was a GREAT way to get in shape.  Figure 6 or 7 anxiety attacks a day...a month or so later I'm down close to 10lbs.

Thankfully this one was quick lived and I was back in the mix within a thirty minutes.  Just in time to torture the dogs and catch a few pics of Jon and Hannah's Christmas crowns.

So here is my gift to you my readers...a few pics to show you how our Christmas Eve was spent.

Yep ladies...he's mine...ALL mine!

Jon and our baby girl.  You'd think the crowns were her idea...NOPE...it was all him!

The great thing about being a man in a house full of girls...LOTS of kisses!

Usually she just leaves a note...this year, she means business! In case you can't read it, the cookie says "Dear Santa, I want it all.  If that isn't possible then leave the cookie and no on gets hurt.  Love, Hannah."

And because no holiday season would be complete without my dogs....

....remember...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all because Karma is a real bitch....

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Love, Hugs and Kisses,

~JP

 

Penny's Thought of the Day....

Being back at home after just a few days back out in the work place has been both a blessing and blow to my confidence.  I've relinguished my Crackberry to Penny's capable hands....ergh, I mean paws.  Most of my calls are from Jon, since I haven't gotten any responses on the millions (okay 5) resumes I've turned loose in the employment world.  I don't want Jon to think I'm slipping back into my depressive ways so I rely on Penny to give him other reasons as to why I won't answer my phone.  I think she's doing a pretty good job so far.....

....ok...so she doesn't follow direction well, but at least she didn't tell him I was sleeping...or working my FarmVille farm on Facebook.  But there is just one problem...she seems to have just one go to phrase for where I am or what I am doing....

....hmmmm, guess i gotta work on some other answers for her to give him because I'm getting REALLY tired of him coming home with Imodium and Cranberry in an attempt to "help with my bathroom issues".

Penny's Thought of the Day....

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Penny's Thought of the Day....

Penny's Thought of The Day....(and update from Me on recovery)

Recovery is still progressing.  Penny is now getting her attitude back which is fine by us.  Last night, for the first time since the accident she tried to burrow and curl up to go to sleep.  Me, still worried that she would seize and I wouldn't know it, was quick to seek her out....

....she seemed highly aggitated with this frame of thought.  Finally, I decided that I needed to just let her sleep.  I am happy to report that she didn't seize or die in her sleep as I dramatically envisioned in not 1 but 6 different dreams.  I woke up after each one and frantically searched the blankets for her only to find a sleeping dog.

Around 4am I finally gave into the throws of utter exhaustion and slept until morning.  Jon woke us both to give Penny her medicine.  Penny seemed rested and ready to eat.  She seemed a little incredulous towards her kibble.  I wonder what that is about???

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Thank god she is so damn cute or her attitude on how I'm dealing with sleeplessness over being her doggie nurse made would really piss me off! 

Penny's progress....

We have seamlessly rolled into day #4 of Penny's recovery. 

I say seamlessly because I haven't slept for more than 30 minutes at any one stretch of time since Wednesday morning when I was able to bring her home from the vet. 

Some people think I am crazy for doing this.  They tell me, "she's just a dog".  But for me...for our family, she is NOT just a dog.  She is a family member.  While I will never deem her a replacement for the loss of my other red min pin Prince Aden Michael of the Dell, she has filled a gap in my aching heart.  Aden sat next to me through a lot of hard times.  Those dark patches in my marriage, the moments when depression took a deep hold of me and I wanted no human contact.  He would sit next to me and give me love...no matter what.

When we were given the sweet gift of Penny I began to feel myself smile again.  Jon and the girls saw it too.  So when this all took place late Monday night and Jon was put in the position of breathing life back into her very lifeless body I made a silent promise that if she lived I would do whatever it took to get her better.

Yes...ladies and gentleman...I am C-R-A-Z-Y! 

So I have spent the past 3 days tending to every need of this four legged baby of mine.  She is finally able to get up and around.  I've gone from being covered in vomit, piss and crap to being able to understand her lame attempts to cue me that she needs to go make a piddle.

She's very wobbly at best and as soon as I step away from her, even if it is just to situate myself on the floor or grass next to her, she struggles desperately to get back to me.  She has made several failed attempts to try and get a jump going.  I'd rather her not jump but she's got a mind of her own.

The spasms are still happening ever couple of minutes but are getting less violent.  Last night she actually got out an audible bark.  Her first vocalization since the accident Monday night.  The steroids are beefing her up which is nice since she usually looms at a petite 5 1/2lbs.  The medicine also makes her sleepy.  You'd think that would be a great thing for me and give me a chance to sleep.  Uh...no...she only likes to sleep when she is firmly planted on my chest.  While I was a pro to sleeping like that with my newborns or even young children...I am not able to balance a wriggly dog. 

The vet says that we need to be very careful of not letting her bump or bang her head since that is where the brunt of the force hit and he fears a hemorrhage although things looked clear on the x-rays.  Our main focus is keeping her as calm and bump free until we go for her check up on Wednesday.

It's tiring trying to keep a very spirited pup immobile.  I'm downing caffeine like a regular fiend.  But all in all I am hanging on and hanging in.  It will all be well worth it when I hear her barking and see her able to hold herself up without wobbling and falling over.  The things you'll do for mans....ergh, make that my best friend!

~JP

Penny's Thought of the Day....

I had thought that I would keep "Penny's Thought of the Day" on hiatus for a bit while she recovered but since she has a legion (okay like 10) of fans she felt that she owed them a post.  Here's a little montage to show you that while she is a little "looped" from the concusion she is on the road to recovery.

 

We aren't out of the woods yet.  The doctor says she's at about 90% and there is still a worry of a hemorrhage or even a brain aneurism.  She will have to remain in a constant state of rest either quietly with me or in a padded kennel.  Again I laugh at the idea that my dog has ended up in a padded cell before I have.  

We are so grateful to not have lost our Penny.  Another loss of a family pet so soon after losing 2 dogs less than 3 months ago would have put us all over the edge.  We are thankful for the great care she has received at our veterinarian.  She will go back in a week to check and see how the cortizone is affecting her motor skills.  So far she can stand, semi bark and responds to her name.  She has a ravenous appetite and is eating up ALL the cuddle time.  

Thanks for all the love and well wishes.

~ JP & Penny 

My thoughts on Penny....

Last night while finishing up dinner I was formulating a blog for today based on the conversations we had at dinner.  It was an interesting dinner.  But before the sun could rise on today the mood had changed from one of complete humor to one of wondering if my sweet dog Penny would be okay. 

As Jon and I sat on the couch late last night we let the two bigger dogs run rampant.  As usual Penny nestled down to cuddle.  Unfortunately she picked the edge of the sofa.  The bigger dogs kept running wild and Jon went to stop their antics when before we even realized what was happening Penny was flying off the sofa, projected by Jon's leg moving to get up and then she was slammed into the coffee table.  A solid wood coffee table weighing approximately 45lbs vs Penny weighing barely 6lbs it was NO match. 

At first we thought it wasn't anything.  She is popping into the coffee table on a daily basis.  She loves to jump, but doesn't give forethought to whether there is something in her line of...well...pop.  Then as the seconds turned to minutes we realized there was real trouble.  After coaxing her to breathe and open her eyes it seemed as though she was going into a fit of seizures.

It was the death of Prince Aden all over again (well, minus the thud on the coffee table).  We just couldn't believe we were holding another limp red min pin and feeling more and more helpless with each moment.  It hasn't even been 3 months since Aden died in our arms.  To lose Penny...it would devastate me.  It would break my heart to pieces and my family would feel like it had a hole in it.

There has to be a limit on dead pets for any one family per year.  We hadn't even made it 3 months and it seemed like we were staring straight into the eyes of the animal reaper.  Again.  I was losing grip on reality with every second that she laid there limp.

Each twitch of a seizure brought pictures of Aden and we weren't ready to go there again.  We decided to get her to the vet.  I called our vet and immediately had to explain that it wasn't Aden, but a new dog.  A different min pin.  The receptionist seemed confused for a split second but rebounded nicely and calmly advised me to wrap her tightly and get her to them as soon as possible.

She was lucid.  She responded to her name but she kept making this low gurgling sound.  She couldn't stand (picture Bambi on the ice) and she had lost control of her bowels and bladder. 

I cried the whole way there.  The nurse met me at the door and they rushed her straight to the back.  I trailed behind them, wringing my hands.  The vet came in and checked her vitals, they weighed her and whisked her off to xray.  I had her back in my arms within 10 minutes.  Sitting there and waiting seemed almost as bad as being back at the house. 

The vet came and took me to see the xrays.  No visible hemmorage.  No spinal injury.  While he could see that she was having spasms, she was not seizing while she was in his presence.  He told me that she would need to stay.  He was going to have her put in a padded kennel.  Funny, I had always believed I would be the first in our family to be put in a padded cage. 

I clung to Penny half wanting to crawl in there with her and half relaxed at the idea that they would be able to take care of her.  Since she has no motor function right now outside of being alert they have to monitor her carefully. He thinks that she has a severe concusion and it will be at least 24 hours before we see any marked improvement. 

The nurse says that I can call and check on her.  I asked if I can come back and check on her as well.  I don't think she meant to look aggrivated by that question but she kind of did.  I went and sat in the waiting room because Jon was bringing the hefty sum of cash that it was gonna take to keep the "baby" of the family on the road to recovery.

So I am back at home now.  Sitting in my bed and wishing that I had my pal here to cuddle with me.  My eyes are swollen and hurting from crying.  I hate waiting.  I just wish that I could hold her.  Wish that I could be the one to make her better.  It's like a mother with her child only this child has two extra legs, growls when you feed others before her and thinks that licking your make-up off is a great way to pass the time.

There will be no "Penny's Thought of the Day" until she is back on her feet again and by my side to lend her doggy take on the world.

Thanks for all the well wishes. 

~JP

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Because it's all about fair treatment...for every man, child and dog...

Havin fun on a rainy Sunday afternoon....

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Stabby boob pain...(part deux) & Penny's Thought of the Day...

It's baaaaaacccck! 

I was mid laundry folding (so I'm totally blaming domestic servitude for this mishap) when I literally was taken breathless by immense pain.  I thought maybe I had moved in some bizarre way but as time went on...folding shirt after boxers after bra after socks after underwear after pants after bathing suit and placing in owner specific piles...it became increasingly worse.  It finally got to the point where I couldn't move without feeling like not only my left boob but the whole upper left side of my chest was engulfed in this hot seering pain. 

It feels more like the return of the stabby boob pain than it does the costochondritis that cost me my last job and possibly my grasp on mental stability.  I am literally willing myself to believe that it cannot possibly be a reinfection of that. 

I think my boobs are striking back against the 27 months of life sustaining breast feeding I did when the girls were babies.  I wonder if I take all the money saved from buying formula during that time and put it towards reconstructive surgery for these puppies if that would make them stop acting like under arm rest and go back to being the fun bags that they once used to be.

The pain is too severe to really contemplate cutting on them at this moment but the idea of anesthesia is appealing to me at this very painful moment. 

It came on so sudden but is getting progressively worse as the minutes turn to hours. 

I thought Penny would remain supportive of how crappy I began to feel as the day came to a close yesterday but as I sit here writing this and trying to switch from cold to heat on the afflicted area I can see she is more and more turned off by my constant whimpering.

What happened to solidarity between women??  Oh, wait..I think she's trying to tell me something....

Ahhhh...crap.  She has a point.  If Jon's mom comes over and there's "Mount Laundry" prominently displayed on our sofa then I'm sure it will just scream, "my daughter-in-law is a FAILURE".  It's one thing to drain your family financially by eliminating one entire income and being sick all the time...then there is the whole deficiency in the motherhood department...but putting everyone's knickers on display because your having stabby boob pain is pretty much the final straw in the eyes of the extended family. 

Or at least I think it's written somewhere like that.  Maybe in the Bible after "don't covet thy neighbor" and "never allow someone to sleep past 8a on a Sunday so that they can worship" but before the chapter about "spare the rod, spoil the child".  It's been awhile since I read the Bible but I am pretty sure I saw it in there once.

It's now been 6 full hours of excruciating, non stop pain.  I am down to typing with just my right hand and Penny has gone from sitting faithfully by my side to just getting comfy and leaving me to cry while Jon snores and HGTV plays in the background.  It's the symphany of my life.

I've now consumed enough Sleepy Time tea and a fair amount of ibuprofen in order to allow me to try and get a bit of rest.  Sun up will bring more laundry and hopefully less pain. 

~JP

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Penny's Thought of the Day...

Penny's Thought of the Day...

I'm hoping the rest of the day turns out more interesting than this post...

It's Sunday....yeah, I know....pointing out the obvious.  Yesterday was...well...it was crap.  Stayed up all night Friday being completely pissed at the husband.  For what I am not completely sure of at this point.

Then I accused him of giving me poisoned ice cream because I had been bitchy.  He say's he didn't.  Turns out he is probably right.  It seems that my body does not like Hagaan Daaz Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream as much as I'd like it to and so I spent the better part of Friday evening and into the early hours Saturday vomiting and in extreme gutteral pain.  Apparently my body staged a revolt when it read "15 Worst Desserts" and realized that it was consuming #14 on the list.


I spent a good part of the day Saturday feeling guilty for A) being mean to Jon and B) consuming more than a days worth of calories in just under 1 hour the night before with that damn ice cream that then acted as if it were an alien trying to escape from my intestines.  I did manage to pull myself together long enough to go and get Hannah from her sleepover.  She had a blast and this made me realize that I am most likely next up on the list to host the tweens at my house.

It is only 20 days until my little one turns the big 1-0!!  I can't believe it.  I came back to the house and immediately climbed back into my bed and contemplated how I could possibly get out of having a slumber party. That thought train was derailed when I began to have an immense stabbing pain in my left boob.

It wasn't the ungodly chest pain that I had been having a couple months ago that led me to be hospitalized and then diagnosed with costochondritis which left me homebound for over a month.  No this was clearly just in my left breast.

When Jon came home from work I told him that I was having boob pain.  The teenage boy in him shown in his eyes as I could see that he thought he could just "massage" away the pain.  I instead opted for a heating pad and then an ice pack.  I of course turned to my trusty WebMD because I was sure it would tell me that I was dying.

Apparently I was wrong and it turns out this kind of thing is actually common in women between the ages of 30 to 45.  Really??  I swear whoever said that it was a beautiful thing to be a woman was clearly a man.

The more I tried to relax and not think about the increasing stabby pain in my boob the more it hurt.  Finally I gave up and went to sleep.  I woke up twice in the middle of the night thinking that my breast was on fire.  That is how bad the pain was.

This morning it is still pretty bad.  It only hurts REALLY bad when Penny decides to use it as a trampoline which surprisingly is ALOT.  Jon has stopped eyeing it as if he has the "magical" touch that could surely make all it's ailments go away.

We are trying to head to the beach to spend some family time.  Of course this means we have to wait for the teenager to come home.  I'm thinking this detail alone will mean that we will be spending our day here instead of on some beach.  Trying to do anything that requires waiting on Liv's schedule is like planning your day around me waking up at a decent hour.  It ain't gonna happen so just stop waiting for it.

I actually woke up early and was rewarded with Mc Donald's breakfast.  This made Penny very happy.  I am beginning to realize that with my kids getting older I am totally gonna turn into one of those weird woman that thinks her pet is her baby.  This point was driven home while we drove the 1.5 miles to the Mc Donald's and I had a pretty detailed conversation with my dog about what she would like to eat.

When we got to the drive thru I had to stiffle that laughter over the jackleg that they had running the intercom where you order.  You couldn't understand the words that he was saying.  Jon ordered and the guy was supposedly repeating the order back to us and we had to have him repeat it twice.  You couldn't understand a word of what he said.  It was ridiculous.

Then when we pulled around to pay, the guy that took our money could be understood clear as a bell.  Ummmm....hello...why the hell wouldn't you let him be on the intercom??  Very sad Mc Donald's...very, very sad.

Penny of course got everyone's attention.  At least no one called her a chihuahua this time.  Not that she cares mind you.  As long as there is a biscuit in it for her you can call her whatever breed of dog you want.  She spent the short drive home shaking in anticipation of whatever treat was going to be bestowed upon her.

Hannah gave her some pancake and she got biscuit, sausage and egg from me.  Jon gave her nothing...he's so selfish.  After eating all I wanted to do was come and lay back in bed.  I decided to come back and write for a little bit.

Outside of posting "Penny's Thoughts of the Day" I haven't been writing much.  Not feeling very inspired or funny lately.  That worries me a little.  I am usually able to laugh my way through just about anything...but lately it seems harder than usual.

After I post this I think I will check the classifieds.  Still hoping to find a job.  Really needing to go back to work.  It will help me feel a little less useless.  September is a hard, hard month for me.  It's when everything fell apart 3 years ago.  Trying to motivate myself during this time period is almost impossible.

Jon just came in to say that he will be picking up Olivia in a little while so I guess that I will put off the job search until tomorrow or Tuesday and instead go and get stuff ready to get out of the house for a little while.  I'm hoping that getting a little sun and spending the day with Jon and the girls will turn my mood around or at least take my mind off my stabby boob pain.  It's friggin aggrivating!

Hope everyone has a fun and safe Labor Day.

~JP

Penny's Thought of the Day....