I am getting really, REALLY tired of asking myself "how did I get here"...mainly because I keep getting the same answer which of course is "how the fuck should I know" and "why are you asking yourself questions and fully expecting answers to pop up...jackass".
Answering questions with questions is probably a big part of my problem. Another issue has to be the fact that I am asking myself questions and expecting another entity, inside my psyche, to magically provide an answer. It's probably as close to a Sybil moment as one can come without actually sprouting the other personalities.
Good thing too because even I don't think I have the stamina to deal with another form of crazy in my mind. That and the fact that I have no healthcare (thank you America) to pay for the meds to keep that kind of psycho in check. I would be forced to just put on a bathrobe and shuffle up and down the streets of our fair city which would completely cement my kids having a to have a psychology fund in place of a college fund for their future.
I am trying to think if there has ever been a time where I have felt this out of sorts with my own self. Having trouble pinpointing one. I know I've had some lows in my 32 years of life but this one certainly seems to take the cake, ice cream and pie of all the other moments.
Certainly no one plans out their life and thinks...hey better pencil in some time to absolutely lose your mind and go completely insane. Maybe if I had been a better planner I would have factored it in so that it wouldn't have thrown everyone elses schedule and my own for such a fucking loop. You really can't get anything accomplished when your busy self destructing. Just a little FYI for if you ever decide to have a nervous breakdown. What can I say...I'm a helper.
I sit in my room and think "today will be the day that things will turn around"....and then magically it doesn't. Hmmm...what a let down.
The only constant is Penny, my bed, laptop and my unending stream of thoughts. It's a constant barrage of self examination. In case you ever think that someone else could be your worse critic...I suggest that you spend a good 24 hours alone with yourself.
If that doesn't work and you still think that someone...anyone can tear you down harder than you could ever do to yourself...I suggest you go back and spend a few days, weeks, months locked inside this depression with the unending loop of failures playing an then get back to me and see if you are able to name ANYONE that can lay on that type of personal dismanteling. I'm thinking your list will be blank.
Anyone willing to offer up suggestions or antecdotes to possibly aid in the reconstruction efforts is more than welcome to pass them along.
~JP
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