I used to relish in the idea that I couldn't possibly fall farther down into the deepening waters of depression and then miraculously and viciously...I did. They, whoever "they" is say that when you hit rock bottom that you will know. I do not doubt this to be true. I just wonder how far, exactly, precisely does one have to sink before they are truly at this horrendous place marked as bottom. Cause I'd like to enter those coordinates into mapquest or some kind of life GPS.
Instead of being able to discern my location based on some kind of emotional lardmark all I can profess is "greetings from the land of lost". Lost in emotion. Lost in disillusion. And lost in the sheer vastness that is uncertainty. It is painful and overwhelming to the point of feeling like ones chest and all that is encapsilated inside of it is going to be crushed and just come oozing out of what ever opening happens to be the closest. And yet it doesn't and thus the panicked pain continues until mercifully you sleep. Whether it be from exhaustion or just in order to escape from whatever else you should be doing at that precise moment that may in fact help you turn this unending decline around but that your body, mind and soul has deemed you incapable.
Medication doesn't help. "They" say it's because you haven't found the right one or combination of ones and for awhile you believe it until you've spent so much time wrapped up in that little orange bottle with the white cap that you begin to think that it is a family member that you should possibly begin sending holiday cards to. I like to envision Mr. Prozac receiving my chosen foil embelished festive greeting with smiling picture of my children nestled inside and a hand scribbled "all the best to you and yours this Holiday season" and it justfeeling so warm and fuzzy inside at being remembered.
And why wouldn't it be remembered when it was the reason that I was able to function a full 3 whole days with out debilitating anxiety and depression out of a full 30 day period. Wow, behold the magical powers of pharmaceuticals! I think not.
So we take the hollistic approach and meditate upon the reasons as to why I am in fact so damn depressed. Meditating turns to thinking. Thinking turns to feeling anxious. Anxiety leads to panic. Panic leads to no good and then frustration and then sleep.
Every approach I have taken in the past 3 years has lead me to run into one brick wall after another. I've gone through 6 different combinations of medication. I've seen two therapist. Logged countless pages in journals. What has this journey of sliding further into the darkness yielded me? The loss of 5 jobs. A failing marriage and two children who have come to attomatically assume that I am asleep when I may actually be standing in the same exact room.
I am listless and completely lost. I have long since run out of ideas and now just try to go from second to second. It is hard to find bits of humor in this bone crushing madness. This and only this is why I haven't posted in almost a month. The times of smiling and humor are so few and far between that I cannot even begin to extract enough to make a humorous post out of it and when something truly funny does happen I can't seem to find the where withall to remember to write it down.
I miss the comments I received from my readers but more so I miss not puting out something funny to entertain all of you to begin with.
~JP
No comments:
Post a Comment