You looking to get rid of that turkey neck?
Wanna pump up your booty??
Thinking of new ways to sculpt and tone your upper arms and make sure that they aren't waving good-bye when you are trying to say "hello gorgeous"???
Well fear no more my wonderful friends. There are a gaggle of jacklegs just praying that you are asking these questions and many more about your appearance. And they have spent gads of time and money cooking up a slew of items praying on your susceptibility to idiotic products that are thrown on your television at 3 o'clock in the morning.
Sometimes it's the promise of "quick results", other times it's the lure of that $19.99 price tag but more so I believe it is the exhaustion of your capacity to process realistic thoughts. Yep, in the span of just 45 minutes during another one of my sleepless nights I saw not one, not two, but three asinine infomercials for products such as the Neck Slimmer, the Brazilian Butt Lift workout system and the Shake Weight.
After each one I had to think...what's the draw? Sadly, my thought process should have been "what's the catch" but seriously...I'm exhausted and the fact that I am actually able to string together two lucid thoughts is beyond triumphant for me. So I decided to do a little research...yep, that's me...
Well with the butt sculpter, if you call within the next 5 minutes you will get a....wait for it...make sure you're seated...a pencil. Yep. A whole pencil.
Really? REALLY a whole pencil?? Holy shit...let me drop what I am doing right this minute and make sure I get in on that little piece of gravity defying technology.
These people probably held a meeting to put together this deal and most likely went through a checklist of what would be in their "package".
Brazilian Butt Jackleg #1: Umm, okay...so we've got the 3 DVD's, the fat burning food plan, the booty resistance band and a tape measure. It just feels like it's missing something don't you think?
Brazilian Butt Jackleg #2: Gosh #1...I don't know. All that seems like a great deal for the $59.85 price point we are shooting for. How could we POSSIBLY make it better??
Brazilian Butt Jackleg #1: I just feel like it needs something else (fidgets with the pencil in his hand and then makes a face as though he's had his very own Oprah "ah ha" moment) Do you think we should throw in a pencil?
Brazilian Butt Jackleg #2: Wow...that is such a good question. But what would they use it for and would we need to increase the price?
Brazilian Butt Jackleg #1: They'd use the pencil to shove in the fat crease that is on their flabby asses to see if they have accomplished the toned butt that we have photo shopped onto the pamphlet as the "AFTER" result image. And we won't raise the price...this pencil will be an added bonus!
---Boardroom errupts in cheers as if they have cured cancer---
Oh, and FYI it isn't even sharpened. Probably did that for legal purposes because if you are stupid enough to purchase this product then I'd be willing to bet that you'd be stupid enough to shove a sharpened pencil near your ass!
Also, I went a step further and contacted the customer service number (because I honestly have nothing better to do at this hour) and asked if I could have a discount on my purchase because I already have my own pencil. The customer service rep seemed flabbergasted that I would even suggest such an absurd thing. Yeah, right...like I am the moron in this situation.
This person is trying to tell me that their pencil is made specifically for the purpose of checking your progress. Uh huh...so you mean to tell me that there is a corporation...somewhere...that is making pencils for the sole purpose of checking if you have a flabby ass? Dear God, please let Chris Hanson from Dateline do an expose on this!
I finally gave up on the pencil fight and hung up on the slightly hyperventilating customer service rep whose name was Tawny and who I imagine was a stripper at one time but who injured herself with a sharpened pencil and now has to do this thankless job.
Next on my list of ridiculous items is the Neck Slimmer. Granted you don't get a pencil with this little gem but at $19.99 it seems like a steal compared to the butt deal. The first observation on this product other than the overwhelming urge to scream out "are you FUCKING kidding me" is that you get the added bonus of looking like you're giving a BJ with no partner on the receiving end. Hell you could save yourself the money and do the real act and not only please your partner but also
You're Welcome Men of America!
Last on my list of items is the Shake Weight. Another reasonably priced piece of ridiculousness at $19.95. My immediate reaction to this commercial was how sexual it seems. Maybe it's my lack of intimate moments as of late but it just looked like one huge phallic free for all! It cemented in my mind why men should NOT be allowed to create any type of workout equipment to tone or improve the female physique, especially if it's gonna come out looking like a prop for a porno.
I don't know for sure that these items were created by a male or team of them but I have a pretty strong sneaking suspicion that there is at least one pair of nuts behind each of those items.
Well to each their own. While I may not get the drawl that these products hold I don't have time to think about it right now because I've gotta go use my Thigh Master and wait for my Perfect Brownie's to finish baking.