For once I was speechless....

Every one dreams of rasing well adjusted, strong minded and happy children.  Jon and I just hope we can get both the girls safely into their adult years without having to be commited.  We keep our expectations low.

It amazes us when the girls will react in much more mature way then say we would have had we been in the situation.  I know this is the part where I am supposed to add that I mean in the sense of how we would have acted when we were were that age.  Ummm...yeah, that would be a bald faced lie.  I don't exactly know how we accomplished raising these two girls but when I do figure it out I am writing it down, publishing it, selling it, putting the word "Dr." in front of my name, having a meeting with Oprah and giving that big southern drawl of a man Phil a run for his money.

Monday night I had made dinner and we all sat down as a family.  At the dinner table.  It's amazing that you can have a whole meal there when it isn't buried by laundry.  Completely fascinating find.

Within moments of sitting down and beginning to eat the standard litany of questions began, "how's your day", "what did you learn today", "do you need any help with homework", "anything exciting going on", "anything planned for the upcoming week that we need to know about"...etc.

Both Jon and I were prepared for the ho hum answers of "nope", "nothing", "stuff" and blank stares that come at our childrens bewildermint that all meals aren't consumed at the coffee table in front of the precious flat screen.  But tonight was bound to be anything but ordinary.  I don't know if Olivia was inspired by the fact that I had made her favorite fettuccini alfredo or if she was fed up with a situation at school....

Me:  So how was your day?

Hannah:  It was okay.

Jon:  That's it Han...just oka??

Hannah:  (nods her head and takes a bite of pasta)

Me:  What about you Liv?  How was your day??


Olivia:  Crap.

Me:  Okay.  Why was it crap?

Olivia:  Because of the whorefaces.

Jon: (trying desperately not to spit out or choke on the water he has just drank)

Hannah: (aww struck...drops fork)

Me:  (trying to hide shock) Uh.  Huh.  Well...would you like to elaborate on that?

Okay seriously...let's take a pause here...what the hell would you have said??  Part of me wanted to admonish her for the word but the other part of me was damn curious at what could possibly drive her to use this phrase.

Olivia:  Ugh.  I just hate girls that are all like...ya know...talking stupid, putting "a" on the end of EVERY word, hanging on guys...especially one that I am dating and they are just putting their "no no squares" out there.

Jon:  (really choking now)

Hannah:  (completely dumbfounded but still absentmindedly eating)

Me:  (having spit out my own drink and now wiping it up) Ummm...okay...I was kinda following at whorefaces and the long "a" thing...but ya totally lost me at...what is it that you said last??

Olivia:  (laughing) "no no squares"...you've NEVER heard that??

Jon & Me:  (nodding no in unision and looking at Hannah to see if possibly our 9 1/2 yr old is more in tune with the language of the moment)

Me:  (internal sigh at the fact that Hannah seems oblivious and is now consumed with making sure she gets equal pieces of garlic bread) Would you care to elaborate Liv?

Olivia:  Well there are these girls that I see around school and they are all flaunting themselves pushing out their "no no squares" (motioning towards her chest) and being all...well...just all whoreface.

Me:  Ummm...okay.  Well do you...ummm, uh...put out your "no no squares"? (gesturing meekly at my chest)

Jon: (begins to die a slow painful death at the amount of estrogen flowing around the table...still speechless)

Olivia:  Mom...it's not just your boobs....you have two "no no squares".  Ya know like...(begins singing) "no no don't touch me there..these are my no no squares" (gesturing towards her private areas).

Me:  (beginning to feel mixed joy at her awareness and illness at the fact that husband has now been subjected to this...slightly aware that 9 1/2 yr old is still at table)  Hannah...I am sorry that you had to hear all of this. 

Hannah:  Don't worry, I don't even have any "no no squares".

Laughter erupts at the table and Jon is on the verge of tears from sheer hysteria.


Me:  Oh god.  (realization has set in that I may need to point this stuff out to her)

Olivia:  Hannah...yes you do...

Me: (complete fear sets in at what is about to come out of her mouth but not able to react fast enough)

Olivia: ...your bathing suit covers them.  Hello??  You learned this in school.

Me:  (huge sigh of relief only last a second as extreme fear that Olivia will begin teaching Hannah the song and Jon will spontaneously combust at the table) Okay.  Okay girls.  I think we have to give your dad a break.

Olivia:  Well don't you even want to know why these girls that are all pushing out their boobs and vaginas out at people...mostly guys...and talking like idiots...don't you want to know why they are aggrivating me??

Jon & Me:  (completely aware that the house has become painfully silent and that there is no possibility that Hannah didn't hear that whole comment...we stare at one another as to how we should proceed)

Me:  (I find my voice first) Ok...well, hmm...(trying to think when I EVER said the word vagina in front of my mom let alone my dad and coming up blank...nope 32 yrs and NEVER SAID THAT WORD) yeah...ok...part of me wants to know what happened but part of me thinks this conversation should take place when your sister isn't around. (gesturing with my head to Hannah)

Olivia:  What?  What did I say?

Hannah:  Mom it's fine...I've heard that word before.


Immediately I am wishing I had wine.  For some reason I feel like this situation can only be softened with some kind of alcohol.  Jon looks as though he is one breath away from death and I...for once...am completely speechless.

Those hopes of showing up Dr. Phil have been killed by one dinner time conversation.  It was so close...and yet so far away.

~JP