I spent my 33rd birthday getting shot in the ass by a not so attractive, even if I was into female, nurse. My doctor exclaimed in semi physician humor that this was the "third...oh wait...2007, 2008, 2009...it is 2010 now...huh...well then scratch third and make that fourth year in a row I have seen you on or within days of your birthday?"
Thanks for the history lesson Rain Man...that was positively shocking.
So I started my day being pronounced as having bronchitis and in need of two...not one...two, because well it's my Birthday and apparently the universe hates me...and it probably isn't nice of a patient to look at their doctor as if they are speaking a foreign language when they are "attempting" doctor patient humor...so I got two shots in the rear. The trip wasn't all bad though. My good friend "Plus2" was kind enough to cart my sick ass to the doctors office because sadly I couldn't turn my neck. What is that you say? Did you think you may have read that wrong? Well, you didn't....by now....even if you have only been reading this blog since I started it on here and don't personally know me, you should know this one true and simple fact...IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO JUST GET A NORMAL FUCKING ILLNESS!
I'm pretty sure that I had H1N1 before it was actually given a name. Some people get a cold. Me I end up with pneumonia, but not just that I end up with a bacterial inflamation that spreads into the joints and muscles in my chest and then begins to attack my heart. Do you see how this works?
Yep, just a mere 9 hours into my new age and I had become arthritic and contagious. What a fucking gift?
But my friend...my Driving Mrs. Sick Ass companion...she made me laugh. Hell, she ALWAYS finds a way to make me laugh. She offered to get me ice cream since I was a "good patient" but seeing as it was barely 10am I figured ice cream would be hard to come by. Strangely enough if I had wanted an alcoholic beverage of some sort, like a daquiri per say, I could have gotten that...but ice cream? Yeah...that wasn't gonna be happening. I settled instead for a slushy (for my aching throat) and some breakfast so I could choke down the horse pill of an anti-biotic that he prescribed.
Oh yes...my day was gonna be pure joy...I could just feel it. I could feel it aching in my ass. Yep, right there stinging and burning like acid shot into my deriere is where I could feel it. Man, those shots, while they didn't hurt when she did them, happened to have a delayed release of pain that hit just as we were making our way out of the office and into the car. I just kept laughing and almost crying saying "God damn....my ass, my ass is killing me". Then I'd begin to hack because my throat was also in serious pain which would cause some hideous tickle which then led to fits of epileptic coughing.
I paint such a pretty picture.
After I was able to recompose myself from these fits I would fall into a contstant stream of saying I'm sorry over and over again as I mentally pictured her going home and lysoling the entire interior of her car and possibly giving herself a Silkwood scrub.
Friends will tell you to get better when you are sick. Good friends will call to check on you. Great friends will drive you to the doctors and help you get your medicine. Kick ass friends will do all of the above and smile at you while you hack what is sure to be some kind of bio hazard all over their vehicle.
This friend...she falls squarely in the latter.
I looked and sounded like death warmed over, but with the exception of when I had to breathe deeply, swallow, cough or attempt to move my neck I felt fantastic.
By the time we pulled back into my driveway I was exhausted from the escapade of the morning. I made my way in to the house, scooped up Penny and then realized what a retarded idea that was seeing as I was holding food and this dog is clearly a fiend of anything that doesn't have the words dog or kibble in it. It was like a Wimbledon match where I moved food from one hand to the other trying to keep it out of her line of snout grabbing. Her head would dart from left to right and back in a twisted attempt to get something. Anything. Finally when I was down to my last bite I tore off a piece of the toast and fed it to her. She scarfed it up and then looked at me like, "you bitch...that's ALL...that is ALL I get....oh yeah, yawn...go to sleep. I am so taking a dump on your head when you reach the REM state".
I mean that might not be a literal translation of what was going on in her little doggy mind but I think it's a pretty good rendering.
I'd like to say that I slept well but truth be told I just kept rolling around opening my eyes every so often to make sure she wasn't positioning her butt just right to take perfect aim. I mean I know I have been shit on in the past few years, but that was in emotional terms. This would really stink. And I meant that pun.
Thankfully she held her bowels. I think she can sense the cold weather coming and figures she can't be too sure that I won't stick her boney ass out in the cold as punishment for that infraction. She's shit on me in the past but I let it slide because she was sick or just come off her death bed. Just deciding to dump on me because I wouldn't share my tots....well that is grounds for emotional torture of the highest degree.
I'm hopeful that with my shots and goody bag full of medicine that I will be back to fighting form in time to go get my belated Birthday drank on with my girlfriends. I may have hit a hiccup as I turned the page from 32 to 33, but I'm not going to allow it to be a continuing trend.
Oh and hear me now, if by some cruel twist of fate I end up sick AGAIN next year, at...on...or around my birthday, ummmm, I'm not going to the doctors. No way. No how. The cycle stops here at 33.
~JP
P.S. And to ALL of my wonderful friends, readers and FB friends...thank you sooooo much for the Birthday love and well wishes. That was one thing that made this year significantly different than the last few.
P.P.S. To my "T" and my "D"...you are two of the three best friends that anyone could ever have...that anyone could ever have...that anyone could ever have."
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