I am supposed to be sleeping. Actually in approximately 26 minutes I am supposed to be getting a text message from some friends that will prompt me to throw on gym clothes and shimmy my fat and tired ass on down to the gym for some cardio. Unfortunately for them and my ass...I will not be in attendance. Judging by the sound of the torrential rain outside I am beginning to think that they may not be there either. But back to the real reason why I am writing this. For the past week I have been having this completely realistic and unbelievably horrifying dream that I am drowning. Here's the hitch...there's no water. None. Not one single solitary drop. Also for the last week I have been back to work.
Coincidence?
Yeah...I think not.
I don't get it. I wanted to go back to work. I needed to go back to work. My sanity needed me to go back to work. My bank account REALLY needed me to go back to work. I went back to work and BOOM dreams of drowning in no friggin water.
I had weathered horrible interviews and kiss off emails. No dreams of drowning then.
I get two simultaneous interviews for two seemingly great companies and it's like a battle ensues for who will be lucky enough to be my employer, if there is such a thing and NOW I'm having nightmares about drowning. Where were the goddamn nightmares when I had no job. Not even a prospect of a job.
Or where were the nightmares back when I had the job that lumped the biggest weight of stress I've had put on me since Jon and I seperated. Where o where were the nightmares then? Oh, wait...I remember...I silenced those nightmares with mass amounts of sleeping medication. Nevermind.
Ugh. I cannot believe that this is happening. I mean I CAN believe that this is happening because this is SO the kind of THING that happens to me on a continual basis.
I tried to talk to Jon when this one hit tonight. It was by far the worse of the 7 that I have now had. After patting my arm and muttering, "it okay...it a dream" I began to hear his steady snore again and realized he had figured that he'd done enough to soothe my fears and he was going back to sleep.
That was an hour ago.
I laid in the bed for another 30 minutes sobbing until I felt the need for a tissue because I was getting grossed out by Penny trying to be the doggie version. I'm all for giving my dog a kiss or letting her lick my face. But I have to draw the line at her trying to slurp boogers from my nose. That just crosses some kind of line.
My subconcious and my gut are telling me that this job is not the place for me. I keep trying to convince myself it is because A) it's been almost 3 months since I was cleared to go back to working full time B) I really miss having some kind of job and C) I'm pretty sure Jon is gonna either drop dead or kill me if I don't start working on a regular basis to ease up the financial stress. I've always listened to that voice inside me. Not just the ones inside my head that say, "eat chocolate" or "go ahead have another glass of wine"...I'm talking about the ones that say, "this doesn't feel right"...the ones deep in my gut and my subconcious. The ones that seem to guide me towards the things I need to be doing and away from the things that I shouldn't be doing.
I've been trying to shush them these last few years. I shushed them when my marriage fell apart and they told me to run the other way and don't ever look back. I shushed them when I insisted on returning to my last job even when my body and my doctor were saying NOT a good idea. And now I think I've got them good and pissed because for the last week they have been getting increasingly louder in regards to this job.
More and more I find myself shying away from what seems like the right choice and going for the one that makes others happy. Sometimes I wonder when will it be my turn to make choices for the betterment of myself again and not for everyone else.
Maybe it's the exhaustion...or the sound of the rain....or the quieting of the voices that seem pacified for being listened to for the moment...but I am suddenly very sleepy and hoping that I will get a bit of rest. Rest without the feeling of drowning. Rest so that I can hopefully think more clearly. Rest that will most likely allow me to make a decision to sink or to swim.
~JP
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