Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Diary of an Aggitated Mother...

Wednesday may actually be one of my favorite days.  It is my day off.  Who doesn't love those??

Get to sleep in.

Spend a little one on one time with my baby girl Hannah (since my oldest is spending the week with her dad in Florida).

And just relax in general.

No where in my planning did I expect to have to be subjected to 45 minutes of what I can only call "slurp torture".

The day started just as I had wanted.  Hannah slept in which allowed me to languish in bed and make a relaxing pace into getting dressed.  Round about 12p we really kicked into gear with text back and forth between Hannah about going to lunch.  She took the dogs out while I finished dressing and putting on make-up.  Then came the round up and kenneling of the pooches which is a daunting task cause they sure do LOVE to run!  But Hannah worked her magic and got them wrangled in record time.

Made it out the door and off to lunch with a surprise of a movie date to follow.  Mid way through our pizza lunch I told Hannah that she had a choice between "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" or "How to Train Your Dragon".  She debated over it through another couple of pieces of pizza.  Her pros and cons included the fact that waiting to see the dragon movie on DVD would mean missing out on seeing it in 3D but in the end she went with the wimpy kid movie.

Last pieces of pizza finished we gathered our things and made our way down to Creative Cookie for a little sweet treat.  We timed it just right because the cookies were fresh from being iced and OH SOOOOOO GOOD!  In the car and on our way to the movie theater "Stand up and get Crunk" came on the radio so it was time to crank it up and roll down the windows for the drive.

It was just a piece of perfection.  Bright sunny day....good song on the radio....breeze blowing through our hair....looking over at my daughter, smiling with cookie crumbs around her lips and falling onto her lap we pull into the movie theater parking lot.

We purchase our tickets.  Head to get our staple for any movie...coca cola icee's and Hannah picks out our seats in the theater.  Of course I'm like a two year old and have to pee before the movie starts.  Hannah gives me the evil eye because we are literally minutes away from the previews and the start of the movie.  I promise that I will make it quick and head for the restroom.

Once inside the bathroom I get the first sign that my almost perfect day is going to go down the crapper.  I find a stall after waiting in line and there is a woman that has just corralled her toddler into the stall next to me.  She doesn't go in with her, instead she pulls the stall door closed and stands on the outside.  Weird?  Yes.  But what happened next was down right aggravating.

The woman starts singing.  As loud as she possibly can and with the acoustics in the bathroom it was like a BAD concert.

Ruh-tard of a mother: Leila?  Leila honey...are you making pee pee?

Toddler of Ruh-tard mother who is apparently named Leila:  (no response)

Ruh-tard of a mother: (in ridiculously high pitched LOUD voice) You've got to make the pee pee if you wanna go back and see the've got to make the pee pee if you wanna go back and see the move-eee...

Todler of Ruh-tard mother: (no response and no sound of tinkle in the potty)

Ruh-tard of a mother: Leila, Leila you gotta make the pee pee...Leila girl do you hear me??

I swear I wanted to scream out "Lady we all fuckin hear you and I'm pretty sure you've A) made all of our bladders run dry at this point cause I'm having trouble making tinkle and B) if I was your precious little Leila I would have taken this opportunity to flush my self down the toilet to escape your brand of crazy!"  Just as I completed that thought I heard the flush of the toilet in the stall next to me and silently hoped for Leila's sake that she went gone with the escape clause.

I don't even wanna know the torture this woman will inflict on that child when she gets older, but as she made her way out of the stall next to me with her mother singing, "look at my big girl making pee pee go swirly swirl" I gave the child a glance that said "RUN" and one to the mother that said "increase your meds woman".

I rushed back into the theater in time to catch the end of the previews and had to apologize to Hannah for my tardiness.  She looked genuinely pissed, which after having to pee with psycho mom providing "potty time show tunes on the fly" made me slightly susceptible to that brand of  dissension.  Before she could elaborate on how she was miffed the movie started and a mom and her two boys settled into the seats next to us.

We weren't more than 2 minutes into the movie when my mild irritation at having the solitude of a bathroom moment interrupted and my child giving me attitude over missing previews because of previously mentioned bathroom snafu was overshadowed by the increasing and completely annoying sound of the child sitting next to me slurping his drink.

I'm not talking about a slight sucking sound.  I am talking about a constant slurp slurp sluuuuurp schlurp schhhhhluuuuuurp.  Over and over and OVER again.

The first bout went on for what seemed like a lifetime but was probably only 15 seconds before the mother chided him and told him to stop.  This bought me a whole 5 or so minutes of silence.  Then again slurp 
schhhhhhhluuuuuuurp schhhhhhhhlllllllluuuuuuuurrrrrrrrp.

OH MY GOD!!!!  Make it stop.  Make it stop.  MAKE IT STOP!

I tried to stare at the little slurp monster but that didn't help.  I then trained my eyes on the mother who was busy texting...or twittering...or posting shit on Facebook...I don't know what the twit was doing but she seemed oblivious to the annoyance that was erupting from the fruit of her womb.

Another few minutes of slurping and the mother snatched the cup out of his hands which I thought would finally make the torture cease and desists.

NOPE...all she did was swirl the cup around so I got to listen to ice tumbling about in the styrofoam cup and then she apparently declared that it sounded as if there was some significant remnant of liquid still salvageable inside the cup and in these tough economic times you can't leave anything to waste so she handed the cup back to the child so that he may continue his fucking slurping.

But now that he had seen his mother shake the cup about and produce what sounded to be a whole rain drop (not even the plump kind) sized sip of drink he would go between slurping and shaking, slurping and shaking.....over and over again.






Yep.  He just kept on until he...NOT his mother deemed that there was nothing left in the cup and he finally threw it down onto the floor.

I just stared and took note that this whole routine took up almost half of the 93 minute movie.

I wish I could tell you that I enjoyed the movie or that it was good, but by the time the slurping stopped I had a raging migraine and spent the remainder of the movie plotting how I was going to shove a straw into the mothers ear to signify the ear raping that I had just been subjected to.  But that thought process was interrupted as she grabbed the hands of both of her boys just as the credits began to roll and made her way for the exit stopping only long enough to look at me with a semi frazzled face.  At that moment it occurred to me that I only had to endure this kids behavior for an excruciating 45 minutes...she has to deal with it ALL the time.

As we made our way out of the theater and back into the sunshiney Spring day I felt the feeling of a just about perfect day surround me once again although the migraine brought about by the slurp torture decided to hang on just for the hell of it.

Oh well...there's always this weekend to try again for a "perfect day" or next Wednesday....

~ JP

No comments:

Post a Comment