Saturday, January 9, 2010

This...that...and my mother

I had thought that I was on the upward swing of this bronchitis crap.  Apparently life and my body decided to bitch slap me back to reality and I had the night from hell.  I had gone to have a belated birthday celebration with one of my dear friends.  It was all cheese fries, gallon of daquiri's (with 6 extra shots) and "The Hangover".  Oh, yeah...I forgot to mention that we are both sick as fucking dogs.  Yep, we are the two ra-tards that decided traipsing around in 20 degree weather without appropriate winter gear was a swell idea ALL in the name of fashion.  We are both mother's too and that means we are influencing the youth of America.  Be very VERY afraid.

Anyways, in light of our being basically poor but still wanting to celebrate another birthday we decided to not infect the whole of the world by going out for dinner and drinks and instead just kept it casual and simple.  As usual we had a blast but even while we were at the store buying supplies for the cheese fries I could tell that I wasn't feeling so good.  Midway through the movie both of us were wiggling around and generally not in our usual perky moods.  The movie ended and I scooted on home. 

It was straight to bed for me.  The days of being able to bounce back from illnesses, even ones that come with shots in the rear in order to get ya back in fighting form, are getting fewer and far between.  I got into p.j.'s, medicated myself and attempted to sleep.  That was NOT gonna be an easy task.  I started to feel like I was drowning when I would lay flat.  When I would prop myself up to get rid of the drowning sensation I would have an excruciating pain in my neck.  I'd begin to feel really hot then freezing cold.  After about 30 minutes of turning round and round in the bed I got up.

I contemplated watching television.  But I was sooooo tired.  I thought about getting on the computer and writing but the only thoughts that were filling my head were how much it hurt to breath and how flippin tired I was.   For your sake, my readers, I chose to spare you from that torturous hell.

When I finally did fall asleep I had the most realistic dream about my mother.

She's been on my mind a lot lately.  I don't get to see my parents nearly enough.  I used to spend the days of my youth trying to figure out how to get as far as possible away from them.  Now that I've grown up and I'm in the middle of one of the hardest moments of my life thus far, all I seem to do is think of her and how I wish she were here near me.

The recent news of her issues with diabetes and how she now has to be on insulin injections and is having diminished visions makes those feelings of wanting to be close to her so much stronger.  The fact that my mother and I can, at times, be the exact same side of a coin.  I don't know about you but me I used to tell myself, daily if not minute by minute "I refuse to be anything like my mother".  It's not that she isn't a good person, because truth be told she is wonderful.  Big heart.  Kind and full of spirit.  Funny as all hell and loves to find beauty in the most simple of things.  She can bring any plant to life and people gravitate to her like she's a goddamn magnet. 

I guess I am just the typical woman who has to deal with her mother issues.  You always see things in your parents that you want to do the exact opposite of.  I made those observations when I was like 5 and carried them with me to this day.  Sadly most of the shit that I said that I wouldn't do...yep, you guessed it...I've gone right on and done it.  Way to be original.

I'd love to say that I haven't made a few shrinks rich off of my mother issues, but why lie. 

So last night or more truthfully this morning, in a cold medicine induced haze, I had a dream about my mother owning an antique shop.  It was run out of the bottom floor of this gigantic craftsman style home that I've never seen before but now can't seem to stop thinking about.

It was an extremely bizarre dream filled with people from all throughout my life.  There were customers that were my old classmates from high school and a delivery driver that was one of my old bosses.  To say that it was crazy would have been the understatement of the year.  And I know that we are only 9 days in thus far but still it was some weird stuff. 

When I finally woke up today, at the sad hour of like 2p, it was to the sound of my mom calling me on the phone.  Apparently her mothering beacon had homed in on the fact that her oldest child was sick and so she had to reach out and telephonically touch me.  I talked for a few short minutes before I told her that I just wanted to go back to sleep and I've been going in and out of it since then.

It's not overly exciting but that's what is going on in the world of me.


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