#2 Don't kill self.
#3 Don't harm children.
Usually I only make #'s 2 and 3. But with medication and severe ridicule from family members and friends I am bound to make all 3 at least 5 out of 7 days of the week. Jon refers to these achievements as baby steps. Much like his asking me to "please clear the laundry from off of the kitchen table" earlier this week was met not with it being folded but instead shuttled into our eldest daughter (who happens to be visiting her father for the Christmas holiday) bedroom.
Ummm...I put this in the win column because he left in the morning and there was clothing in the kitchen and he came home in the evening and there was....ta da....no clothing in the kitchen. Apparently I lapsed on the part where he actually expected the clothing to get folded and ready to be put away by it's rightful owners. Whoopsie!
As much as I give Jon a hard time for his past indiscretions I cannot seem to properly put into words how it is that he manages to stay so calm with such a deeply depressed spouse. He leaves and I'm asleep. He comes home and I'm asleep.
He'll poke a head in the bedroom from time to time and asks if I've eaten. Asks if I need anything. Asks if I want to talk. He says that since I've tried to stand by him in his short coming's and the fact that one day he is COMPLETELY certain that I am going to have to care for him and wipe his ass (what an impressive and heartwarming picture to create in one's mind)...he says that because of this and his love for me he just keeps pushing along.
The kids try to wrap their minds around it all and even though I know they would give just about anything (well except their cell phones, computer, Nintendo DS, time with friends and possibly cable) to have their mom up and participating in the daily goings on of their life. I live for the little moments that the clouds of depression clears and I get a glimpse of what our life used to be like all of the time.
Today and tonight was one of those glimpses into how our life used to be everyday. Of course it wasn't a continual stream of feeling okay. It never really is anymore. I'll get moments when I am okay and then moments when I have to tuck away into the bedroom because the anxiety becomes so high that it literally feels as though it will grate apart my head. Jon has learned the signs and takes over parenting if I am in the middle of doing something with the kids.
But for the most part....today was a good day. One that defied low expectations but was made even sweeter because I really had no expectation of it at all.
I wrapped gifts and Jon cleaned. Yes...ladies...my husband cleans. Why I bitch? Who the hell knows.
Later we cooked dinner together. Some gorgeous pork tenderloin that I had been marinating with BBQ sauce, orange juice, honey and seasonings. It's super good and makes the juiciest meat! While Jon grilled I made both mashed potatos for dinner and potato soup for whenever. It was the normal rhythm of a house and it felt both foreign and comfortable in the same moment.
Feeling the opportunity to keep things light and make me laugh Jon took a hair piece that we had purchased to pretty much torture Penny with and while I diced onions and got ingredients for dinner he waited for the absolute opportune second to catch me off guard and scare the piss out of me.
I was in the fridge getting butter and just as I was about the close the door I heard him scream out, "oh my god...noooo"...I peeked up just in time to see something dark and furry flying at my head. I screamed like a little school girl. Threw down the butter that was in my hand and flew across the kitchen while batting my aledged assailant to the ground.
Turns out the "attacker" was none other than the fake hair piece and the next sound I heard was the cackling of Jon and Hannah as they celebrated the fact that their little prank had gotten me so good. All I could do was accept defeat and make my way to the bathroom because as with any good joke at my expense...I now had to pee. Thankfully I didn't pee in my pants...but it was a close one...a very, very...VERY close one.
After dinner was done and cleaned up we preheated the oven for the ceremonial making of the Christmas cookies. That was going to be all Jon and Hannah because once again the anxiousness was taking hold and it was time to excuse myself for a cooling off period. This consist of going to the bedroom and usually sitting in the quiet. Sometimes I have to actually go and take a shower to take my mind off the anxious thoughts. I used to go and run or walk when I became anxious but found that it actually prolonged the anxiety. Sucky find because for a while there it was a GREAT way to get in shape. Figure 6 or 7 anxiety attacks a day...a month or so later I'm down close to 10lbs.
Thankfully this one was quick lived and I was back in the mix within a thirty minutes. Just in time to torture the dogs and catch a few pics of Jon and Hannah's Christmas crowns.
So here is my gift to you my readers...a few pics to show you how our Christmas Eve was spent.