Wednesday, September 23, 2009

In job searching, as in really is ALL about the hair.

This week has been particularily productive.  I haven't slept in all day and I've managed to leave the house not once, but on several seperate occasions...go me!  I realize it is only Tuesday...but I'm taking baby steps towards success.

Yesterday brought my first interview in almost 2 weeks.  I was beginning to think it was me.  Then I realized...who ever snagged me as an employee would be extremely lucky.  Way to go with the delusional thought process!

Last week, on Friday I got a call on a resume that I had emailed only 45 minutes earlier.  I was like "oh hot damn"...this is my jam..have me dancin until the a.m....oh wait..THAT is totally not even relevant in this situation.  Anyways..I was completely awe struck with how quickly I had gotten a response.  I was more than a little excited.  When the woman was unwilling to give me any details on what the positon entailed and what the name of the company was I went from intrigued to completely mezmorized by the mystery of it all.

Monday brought my interview and it went really well.  My horroscope on facebook had predicted that red was my lucky color for the day, so I didn't try to tempt the internet gods and I doned a red top.  I rocked the straight hair feeling that it made me look more professional and serious.

I got a great vibe and the interview went for a little over an hour.  The woman that interviewed me seemed to think I was a "good fit" and that I'd "bring a lot to the office" and promised that I would hear something by the end of the week.

I went home hopeful and already arranging my soon to be workspace in my mind.  It's what I do's the just how I am.

I slept great last night...yes it was thanks in part to the wine but I'd like to think it was the universe speaking to me about the position and this dreams regarding the position ensued.

This morning after bringing the kids to school I got another call on another resume I had sent out.  This one was in the same vicinity as the interview yesterday, about 5 minutes from where my last job was located.  I'm used to the commute so I didn't take issue with it.

I consulted facebook and found that today blue would be my color of positive vibes.  Who am I to fuck with the iron clad workings of the virtual internet guru?

I'm two months into job searching which makes me 1 month behind on mortgage and completely out of excuses for my children who want EVERYTHING that cost money.  When Jennifer Lopez sang "My Love Don't Cost a Thing" she DEFINITELY was not singing about my kids!  That's for damn sure.

Feeling that a change of color wasn't enough I decided to go from seriously straight to curly confidence. 

I went in thinking..."no big deal.  I'm pretty sure I got this job from yesterday all locked up.  I'll just go in and get this interview out of the way and wait for the call from lady I spoke with yesterday".

That mentality lasted all of 3...ergh...maybe 5 minutes.  At that point I went from totally in love with the job that was described yesterday to seriously land this position that I was interviewing for now.

There was the increase in pay.  The potential for advancement and the fact that this employer repeated over and over how they were interested in keeping their employee's happy to reduce turn over.  This was a HUGE change from my last employer where we were told on a daily if not hourly basis that "WE WERE ALL REPLACABLE".  I believe the phrase "drones" was used on a weekly basis.

This interview lasted over an hour as well and I met with both the office manager and the owner who happened to be husband and wife.  I felt good when I left and was told that they were hoping to get the position filled and start the new hire on Monday.  I began to walk out, saying good-bye and thanking them for their time.  They called out and said that they would be making a decision by the end of the day.  I had heard that in the past and remembered that this is the south...every thing moves slower in the south.  I just nodded and smiled.

It was 2:02 p.m. when I walked out of the office.  I had to go and get gas because my SUV was crying for more ways to drain my bank account. much as I love my Honda Pilot...sometimes I miss my Camry.  I miss it's cheap fill up.  So I manuevered through construction first calling Jon then my best friend Allie to discuss the most recent interview.  No one answered.  So unreliable.

Allie was the first to call me back.  I went through the entire interview.  Weighed out the pros and cons of this job in comparison to the interview yesterday.  Of course I talked as if I had both of them in the bag.  Seriously...I have GOT to stop doing this.  It never fails that my over confidence leads to utter disappointment in the end.  But when your talking to someone that has known you for almost as long as you've known yourself you find that it is like looking in a three way mirror with bad see all your faults and flaws.  You see the things that could keep you from achieving any kind of success in any part of your life and then the sheer panic sets in.

Thankfully she is REALLY good when it comes to dealing with my irrational side.  We talked it out and mid sentence my phone rang.  It was the job that I had just left.  It was 2:45 p.m.  I didn't know if the fact that only 40 minutes had passed was a good or a bad thing.

I clicked answer on my Crackberry and tried to sound as professional as one can sound as they drive 75 mph down a rain slicked interstate. 

Me:  Hello.

Perspective employer:  Hi.  Is this Jessica?

Me:  Yes it is.

Perspective employer:  Hi this is "your perspective employer".

Me:  Oh...hi how are you?  (feeling completely idiotic for saying this but trying to pass it off non chalantly)

Perspective employer:  Are you driving?

Me:  Yes.  It's raining.  Sorry for the noise.

Perspective employer:  Can you drive and talk or should I call you back?

Me:  (feeling that this may be a post interview test about multi-tasking)  Yes.  Yes I can talk and drive in the rain.  (oh god...why did I have to say are such an sound like a fucking idiot...they are gonna fire you...oh wait they have to hire you to fire you...okay...they are DEFINITELY not going to hire you because you are an I-D-I-O-T)

Perspective employer:  Well we have discussed your resume and based on your interview....

Me:  (holding breath and trying to focus on the road)

Perspective employer:  ....we would like to offer you the position.  Can you start on Monday?

Me:   (attempting NOT to drive off the road while doing the happy dance in utter elation at having been offered a job after a month of searching and having epic failure's in regards to interviews)  I am very interested.  I would like to accept the position. ( sound like a fucking that they have in fact hired you...they may in fact fire you before you even start because they will have reviewed this retarded response)

Brand new employer:  Well then we will see you Monday morning at 8a.  Wear scrubs and we will go from there.

Me:  Okay.  Thank you.

I hang up and contemplate pulling over so that I can scream and dance without possibly running other drivers off the road.  I decide against it seeing as I am only one exit away from the mall which is my final destination.

I called my best friend back and ran through the details of the job as if I am reviewing a date from back in my high school days.  My first concern in all my backwards thinking was "do you think I agreed to quickly" and "what if the other job calls me in the next couple of minutes". 

I was deaf to the cosmic voices that were literally screaming "accept the gift I have just given you dumb shit". I was with the grass MUST be greener on the other side of the employment fence.  My best friend tried to lay rational thoughts upon me....but thankfully she can be just as crazy as I am at times so while she would drag me to reality she would also feed my fantasy that a virtual bidding war would ensue over my AMAZING talents.

Jon stepped in and brought my ass firmly back to reality and said that if the other job did in fact call and offer me the position it's a first come, first employ mentality.  He told me to thank her but to respectfully decline the position, remain true to the one that hired me first and move on to paycheck earning bliss.  That theory seems all fine and good IF the person he was talking to was a clear thinking individual.  Reality was...he was, unfortunately talking to me.  Reality is only what I am willing to make of it and my reality didn't include being...well...umm...realistic.

Thankfully, I sat back.  Took a few deep breaths.  Glared hatefully at my Crackberry willing it to ring with the a call from the previous days interview and when that didn't occur I made the call to advise her that I had been offered a job, which I had accepted.  I was prepared to "respectfully decline" her envisioned fawning advances to win me over to her position.

Yeah, that didn't happen.  When I got the woman on the phone she acted as if she couldn't remember who the hell I was.  I was like hey...jackleg...I'm the one you were showing your grandkids baby and school pics!  Remember me now?!?

Apparently not.

At that moment I knew I had made the right decision.  Curly hair and all I will be moving on to the next chapter in my professional life.  Thank you facebook and all your cosmic certainty.  I'd like to commend you on the color choices but ask that in the future you advise individual on hairstyle choices.  It would save a lot of hassle in the long run.


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